Strength TogetHER - Session 4 (A Time When Patriarchy Let Me Down)

 

February 24, 2023

Lokopakar in collaboration with ZONTA Club of Kathmandu is conducting "Strength TogetHER" sessions at Chaitanya Secondary School, Banepa. On 24th February, 2023 we conducted the session on the topic "A Time When Patriarchy Let Me Down." The participants talked about how patriarchy has affected their lives. The stories shared among the participants were:

"I feel bad when my mother tells me not to touch plants when I get my periods. She tells me that if I were a boy, she would not say that."

"I have a sister-in-law. She is from my uncle's daughter-in-law. She comes from a Magar family and doesn't have a father. She stayed in a hostel from a very young age and now she is a teacher. She keeps on telling us that we have not been able to do anything despite growing up. She says that we have been using and enjoying mother and father's money and that when she was our age she was independent. My sister completed her bachelor's degree and was applying abroad. When doing so my sister-in-law again commented that neither me nor my sister were able to do anything in life and were dependent on our parents. We told our father about it and he said that rather than feeling bad about it, we should do our best and prove it to them."

"I was playing volleyball in my school's event. I was wearing shorts and we were on a break, when I heard two aunt's saying, "How could she wear shorts in front of a male coach? If she was my daughter, then I would not have allowed it." I felt extremely bad when I heard that." 

"When I was small, I used to see my father work in the fields. He used to plough the field. I wanted to help him and do the same to make it easier. I used to think if I was a boy then I would have been able to work in the fields. I picked up a plough, an instrument used to dig the fields once and my mother told me that all the fields and the farm would be ruined since I, a girl, picked up the plough. I felt bad about it.”

“When we have guests coming over at our home, I get upset when they all expect me, a girl, to be in the kitchen cooking and helping. They ask me to bring water, and serve food while also cleaning after them. However, when I go to my relative’s home as a guest, I also do the same. I look at the male members of the family lounging around and think nothing of it, but when I see the female members sitting down, I wonder why they are not in the kitchen helping. How has society molded me?”

“I was on my period and we didn’t sit separately when on period at our home. But, an aunty had come over to our home and said that I should be sitting separately and doing all the work separately. I didn’t like that and argued against it. If I was a boy, then I am sure she would not have said so.”

“My sister was about to get married and I had to go give her money for shopping. I went to the nearest bank in Banepa and withdrew the money. I got on the bus to go to Kathmandu. It was about an hour and half ride on the bus. I was sitting on the window seat when a man came and sat beside me. He started asking me my name, which I didn’t answer. Then, asked me to get off before my stop so that we could go for lunch. He offered to drop me at my stop later. I refused and changed my seat but again, he came on the seat that I had changed to. I told the bus helper that the person was bothering me and called my sister too. My sister didn’t pick up so I was starting to panic. My brother was coming to pick me up on my stop so I called him and told him about the situation loudly. He said that he will come to the stop as soon as possible. I was very scared. And, had to be on alert until the person got off the bus. When that person got off, I felt a huge sigh of relief. That was the time, when I felt, "If I was a boy, then he would not have been able to do so.”  

“In our village, there were heavy restrictions for girls on multiple things like: Being a girl, you should not walk with other men, being a girl you should not sleep till early morning, and being a girls you should take care of all the animals, being a girl you should not go out and stay out till late in the night. And, being a girl you should not stay over at other friends or people's homes.” 

“In our village, I had a friend who I was extremely close to. We went to a park nearby often. We didn't stay in one place and we laughed and talked while walking. That was when people started telling my mother, “Your daughter will not stay at home for too long and will elope soon.” I felt extremely bad when hearing that. I was just going out with my friends since I wanted to. And, even when I use my phone and watch some videos and laugh then people around me tell me that I am talking to other men and have been in love. This would not have been the same for a boy.”

“Before coming to Banepa for my higher studies, I had plans to go to Kathmandu to study. But, the people in my village told my parents that they should not send a girl alone to Kathmandu, and that I could study there in the village itself. I felt bad, and told my mother about it. My mother said that I should study with my brother in Banepa, a city. And, I did. When I first went to the village after finishing my 1st term in the city. People said that I had changed a lot from when I first went to the city.” 

“We were 5 best friends in school. We went to places together and did other things together as well. We used to go out together and did all the things together as well. Boys in our class used to say, “Being girls, how could you go around like boys?” And, I asked them, “Can’t girls go around like boys or what?” And, we had a heated discussion on the same. And, I felt that, If I was a boy, would I be asked questions like that?”

“My home is very far from here. It takes about 5 to 6 hours on the bus. During festivals and certain events at home, I have to go there. After completing the work at the office, it is about 6 in the evening. And, I have to catch a night bus to go home. I reached around 11 pm at home and my family and neighbors started saying, “Being a girl, it’s not good to take a night bus.” But, it is not the same for my brothers. They come and go as they like.”

We ended the session with a pledge that we won't be the ones who would make others feel the same like they made us feel just because we live in a patriarchal society.